Thursday, 28 March 2013

Quick Guide to Digital Television Channels in the UK:

Here is a short guide for those who are unfamiliar with the digital chennels in the UK, and want to know what to expect of them (for bias and content).

Glossary of Terms:
Police State TV: Programmes designed to soften you up to the notion of a police state.

Red Light District TV: Programmes which belong in the Red LIght District because they are either pornographic or promote gambling, both of which are intended to stupify you and load your brain with drugs/hormones which impede yor critical faculties.  The gambling also provides false hope and discourages you from working to fbetter/imporve yourself.

Proles:  Lower classes, working classes or what have you.

LMCs or MCs: 'Lower Middle-Class' or 'Middle-Class' people; the stereotypical Victorian self-righteous type.  The chattering classes.

Beeboid: A fanatical Politically Correct person who loves the BBC, either works for it or believes everything it says.

Degrading the Anglo-Saxon: Programmes that negatively portray the Anglo-Saxons, either as racists (like in the film 'Arthur' (LINK) feat. Clive Owen), or stupid (like in the Channel 4 series 'Educating Essex' (LINK)), or vain (as in the celeb series 'The Only Way is Essex' (LINK)).

BBC 1:
The prime propaganda channel of the British establishment which is most clearly evident in the background colour of the 'News at 1/6/9 o' Clock' show (which is presently moving from red (Labour) to blue (Conservative).  The programme controllers never do anything risky, but 'prefer to play it safe', and only buy formats that have already proven themselves on other channels first (like Graham Norton, an import from ideological-sister channel Channel 4).

It is watched by middle-Englanders (both proles and LMCs) from all age ranges who believe themselves to be moderate politically and will vote for the Lib-Lab-Con.

It's content is a mixture of light entertainment, drama, short documentaries and films, all of which have typically politically-Left leaning bias; which is most evident in the series Merlin (LINK), which has a black, female, prole who is cast as the 'saviour' of Camelot (Guinevere (LINK)), and a blond, dumb, aristocrat (Arthur (LINK)) who is always getting into trouble.  (Also the principle white woman (LINK) ends up becoming a traitor - seeding distrusts between white man and white woman).  These castings are intentional and all tick the 'politically correct' views of the establishment and their cronies (the Beeboids). (the series Merlin also portrays white Saxons as enemies, which fits into the establishment view of 'Degrading the Anglo-Saxons').

The second propaganda channel of the British establishment.  Like the rest of the BBC network, it's pretty much run by Baby Boomers who foist their mentality onto the suffering population still believing themselves to be 'outside the establishment'. (Here's a LINK to Jeremy Paxman's infamous Baby Boomer article).

It is watched by middle-aged., LMCs who are rather snobby,. and consider themselves to be 'a cut above' the proles, who they love to compare themselves to.  They are likely to read up on their political parties and consider themselves 'in the know' because they watch 'Question Time' (LINK) and 'The Politics Show' (LINK) (which are more like Punch and Judy shows for the masses).  The LMCs will likely engage in campaigns to 'Raise Awareness' of some cause or another, but never actually do anything themselves, they leave that to other people.

It's content is more 'high brow' than BBC1 as in keeping with it's target audience, and documentaries abound.  Documentaries like 'the Secret Life of Ice' (LINK) or 'The Secret History of Our Streets' (LINK) or 'The Secret Life of Waves' (LINK) etc etc.  As you can see, things that are 'hidden' or 'secret' are loved by Beeboids and LMCs who pretend to love uncovering secrets, but are in reality just like nosey neighbours who love to keep abreast of the latest 'gossip'.  Films also have a more high-brow line, like the film 'Sugarhouse' (LINK): a highly convoluted tale involving a poor ickle black ghetto man (who we're supposed to feel sorry for), a middle class white man (who we're supposed to feel contempt for), and a homophobic-skinhead-white-Northern Irishman (who we're supposed to feel dislike for).

The first commercial television station in the UK.

It is watched by proles, proles and more proles of all ages, who love to be the underdog, feel hard done by, and cheer on En-ger-land every other week (even though they think they'll never win the world cup again).  They might vote, and if they do then they'll vote for the same people their parents did, and their parents before them etc.

It's content is prole-heavy, with lots of melodramatic soap operas for the women (who love to call themselves 'ladies'), game shows (which are surprisingly tougher than Beeboid ones, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' (LINK) is a multiple choice with 4 options, 'Perfection' on BBC2 (LINK) only has half that!) for the family, crime capers for the old timers  This is the channel that brought us Pop Idol (LINK), X-Factor (LINK) and a whole genre of spin offs.  And what is X-Factor, but a pub karaoke with a bigger stage and more fireworks.  And what could be more prole-like than a good ol' sing song down at the Nag's Head.

Channel 4:
Please not Channel 4!  Anything but Channel 4!  I'll take the Jewellery Channel over Channel 4!  It's insufferable!  There's only so much self-righteous, holier than thou, and freakasaurus shows I can take!  Just take a look at some of the programmes you could expect: My Trans-sexual Summer (LINK), Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (LINK), Alan Carr: Chatty Man (LINK), Ugly Betty (LINK) - an ethnic minority sticking it to 'the man', Misfits (LINK), Smack the Pony (LINK)etc etc ad infinitum.  Think of Channel 4 as the MC gap-year student who took it one stage further than the Beeboid gap-year student could even fantasize of:

Beeoboid gap-year student: Backpacking in Chile to help out on some Greenpeace escapades.  Smoked some MJ and thought it rather risqué!

Channel 4 gap-year student: backpacking in Burma (which they call Myanmar), helping out the Karen tribesmen in the North.  Smuggled some heroin though customs and sold it to their 17 year old ethnically mixed friends in Soho, whom they occasionally sleep with (these are morality issues that a Beeboid could only dream about!).

They are watched by lefties, greenies, Beeboids, and tweenies (who are naive enough to think that Channel 4 is not mainstream/establishment).  They'll vote for anyone whose black, gay, homosexual yada yada yada.  Think Brighton when you think of Channel 4.  (For non-Englishmen Brighton is like the San Francisco of England: hippy, gay and greeny central).

The content is a mixture of freak shows (which those watching them believe they are watching because the programmes are 'enlightening', instead of the truth and why they 'really' watch them: because they love watching freaks), snobs lecturing proles (think of a snooty doctor lecturing a gummy mouthed prole in a condescending way about how they shouldn't eat so much sugar), property shows (you know how much women love window shopping and snooping in other peoples homes...), and brainwashing programmes for youth (promoting mixed race, androgynous, sexually enlightened yoofs).

Channel 5:
Started out in the 1990's.

It's watched by proles, or more accurately the housewives of proles, as you can tell by the look of the newsroom with it's vibrant girly colour scheme, and girly girly presenters (LINK to a presenter).

It's content is a mixture of Police State TV (e.g. Police Interceptors), Australian soap operas, CSI:Miami (LINK), CSI; New York (LINK), CSI (LINK), and other CSI variants.  There are also the occasional 'Mans TV' shows like Ice Road Truckers (LINK) and action films such as Rambo (LINK).  Before the internet took off it also had 'red light district' films on as a way of boosting ratings (think Shannon Tweed) Channel 5 also shows phone-in roulette (LINK) between midnight and 4 am, as part of it's immoral 'Red Light District TV'.

ITV 2:
It's glitz glamour and mindless garbage.  Think of Jordan (LINK)(not the country), celeb magazines, and lots of pizzazz, razzmatazz.

It's watched by young female proles (and perhaps degraded LMCs and really degraded men) who.. OMG.. love celebs!  They probably don't vote, or perhaps no the difference between an MP and the PM, but they sure know how to party!  Ibiza here we come!

Content can be summed up by 'The Only way is Essex' (LINK): a fly-on the wall programme about modern day dandies who gossip about their lives on TV.  Plus it's part of the 'Degrading the Anglo-Saxon' culture which permeates the media world.  There's also an abundance of repeats from ITV 1, like You've Been Framed (LINK)(slapstick fun for all the family!), and Jeremy Kyle (LINK)(bear bating becomes prole bating).

BBC 3:
It's another BBC channel.  Huzzah!  Probably set up to counter ITV 2, which targets the 18-24 prole group.  Because the Beeboids can't stand the thought of someone else getting any attention.  Beeboids are much like middle-aged women who have to be the centre of attention and laugh especially loud at every joke just to be heard.

It's watched by proles like ITV 2 is.

It's content is a mixture of comedy, and health and safety films made to look like documentaries.  For instance 'Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents' (LINK)advises against promiscuous sex (even though Boomers practised 'free love' in their youth).  Comedies (e.g. Family Guy) (LINK) are so debasing I can't bring myself to make any amusing remarks about them.

As with the rest of the BBC network many of these programmes will be sold off to commercial stations (like the BBCs commercial wing: UKTV network) so the Beeb can make even more money, and dominate the media world (as is their dream).

BBC 4:
Yet another Beeboid channel, which operates in the same vein as BBC 2 (tending towards the high-brow MC bunch).

It's watched by middle-aged, MCs who want to edify themselves with tales of 'How to be a Lady' (LINK), 'Pagans and Pilgrims' (LINK) etc.  And, as it's run by Boomer-Beeboids, who are stuck in the past, mentally speaking about 17 years old, there's plenty of music from the swinging sixties and seventies (e.g. 'Top of the Pops: 1978').

The content is similar to BBC 2, and is almost entirely documentaries and foreign films and foreign language series (like The Killing(LINK), NB an American version was also shown on More 4 (LINK)).  There's less obvious politically-correct bias on this channel, but it's still here.  Documentaries like 'Iron Ladies of Liberia' (LINK) and 'She Wolves of England' (LINK) show up every now and again, usually in bunch, like a season of 'women in history' programmes or 'African culture' programmes etc.

ITV 3:
Where the old people go to pass the time.  Gone but not forgotten, ITV have dedicated a channel for the 50+ age range who can't think of nothing better than watching 'Miss Marple' (LINK) again and again and again.  Probably respectable middle-aged folk of all social classes, or those who just gave up on life when they hit 40 and now watch 'comfy' TV and wear 'comfy' clothes and sit in 'comfy' chairs.

The content is a mixture of hour long detective dramas and two hour long detective dramas.  Oh, and nostalgic series like Heartbeat (LINK), when the viewers (baby boomers) can reminisce about marvellous time known as the 1960s, and hear music from that era too!  How quaint!  Come to think of it, the format is just like a modern-day teen flick that has nostalgia (for when they were at high school), light romance ( the cheerleader and top-jock) and a soundtrack (featuring Limp Blizkit) to boot.  I suppose if one film format works for one social group well, then apply it to all other social groups.

Pick TV (formerly known as Sky 3):
Sky's freeview station designed as a constant advertisement for the subscription based Sky network.

It's watched by the same kinds of proles that watch channel 5 (ie mainly housewives) who probably vote for Labour when the times are good, and the BNP when the times are tough.

The content is a mixture of 'Police State TV' and housewifey programmes, like 'Bulging Brides' (LINK) and 'Psychic Sally on the Road' (LINK).

Dave (formerly known as UKTV G2):
A UKTV channel which allows the BBC to make even more money, as they can sell their old programmes to them.  It's the Light Entertainment station of the UKTV network.

It's watched by the 18-30 'Lad' type person, who likes larking around reading Nuts (LINK) magazine and playing Halo 2 (LINK).  They might disagree with the establishment views on gender, race etc but won't much about it.

Content is BBC repeats of: Top Gear (LINK), an emasculated version of it's former self; QI (LINK), featuring the clever Jew Stephen Fry who tells you that everything you know is wrong; and BBC sit-coms (which I haven't watched so can't comment on them).

Channel 4+1:
See Channel 4.

More 4:
Another Channel 4 station.

It's geared towards the same crowd as BBC 4, but more left-leaning.  You're more likely to catch Anti-Christian, Anti-Catholic 'Father Ted' (LINK) on this side (though of course no 'Inman Ted' or 'Rabbi Ted' or 'Lama Ted' equivalent, only the Christian is lambasted).  Much like Channel 4, the viewers consider likely themselves informed, educated and 'balanced' (a thoroughly over-rated word), and 'know' how the country should be run.  They probably read the Guardian (LINK) or Independent (LINK).

Content is mainly repeats of Channel 4 programmes, with some drama imports just like BBC 4, though these are in English language (an American version of the 'The Killing' (LINK) was aired at the same time as the original foreign language 'The Killing) on BBC 4). 

Film 4:
Another Channel 4 station.  The first digital channel dedicated to films.

Old peoples films are shown in the late morning and afternoon (queue James Stewart and Carey Grant), kids and light entertainment in the early evening (queue 'Fantastic Four' (LINK)), and action or drama late night, and the really verminous disgusting filth late at night (queue 'Old Boy' (LINK)).

You know those Sunday market stall sellers, the ones that had the big trailer and voice tannoy system, who try to sell you some super-deluxe, never-needs-sharpening, multi-use, once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity, kitchen knife set?  Yeah, well, this is basically that guy.  A Sunday market stall seller pawning his grubby goods to Joe Public.  But it's on TV!  And as it's on TV that means it must be good!  Cause TV makes everything good!

Another UKTV network.  Probably set up to cater to the female equivalent of the Dave 18-30 group.  There are a fair few Channel 4 repeats on this channel in addition to the BBC ones.

It's audience is mainly women: proles and LMCs.

Content is fly-on-the-wall documentaries about nurses, doctors, rah-rah-rah, all-in-all a 'Police State TV' sort of theme.  There are also misandric and shit-stirring programmes like 'Cheaters' (LINK) which show men as nasty brutes and women as innocent victims.

Another Channel 4 network channel.  One of two music only digital channels.

The audience are the 14-30 yoof market, who the people at Channel 4 want to brainwash even more with their MTV style music video garbage.  Don't watch this stuff, it's bad enough just looking at the TV guide.  It's full of music, Channel 4 repeats and US documentaries about celebs.  Steer clear.  If you're thinking about watching it, then don’t.  Get influenza instead.  You'll thank me later.

Yesterday (formerly UKTV History):
Another UKTV network channel where the BBC dumps its repeats and foist them on the public.  Originally a documentary only show, it now airs its fair share of light entertainment programmes as a means of muscling in on ITV3s target audience.

The target audience is much like the ITV 3 audience: 50+ age group, proles and MCs.

The content is Anti-German (i.e. racist) propaganda reminding everyone of what the NAZIs did in WW2, for about six hours everyday.  Oh, and of course, the mandatory documentary on Holocaust survivors or Jewish victims.  Or alternately they've got a Jews featured in an episode of the 'Who Do You Think You Are?' (LINK) series, which of course gives them a perfect opportunity to mention the war.  There are also the pro-woman films like 'Land Girls' (LINK) or 'Spitfire Women' (LINK) which the Beeboids probably believe provides 'balance' by showing what women did during the war (ignoring the fact that women only did 'some' of the work during the war).

Increasingly there are light entertainment shows like 'Last of the Summer Wine' (LINK) and 'New Tricks' (LINK) (featuring Baby Boomer folk) as the BBC/UKTV people get jealous of ITV3s ratings

Another UKTV network.  A pay per view one.

UKTV Gold is where the best selling programmes from the BBC go to, like 'Only Fools and Horses' (LINK).

Music TV again.  As with 4Music, steer clear.  It's moral garbage.  Unless your feeling particularly puerile, in which case 'Celebrity Death Match' (LINK) might be worth a giggle.

Ideal World:
Home shopping for women what lunch.

Bid TV:
More Sunday market garbage for you to buy, form the comfort of your own living room!

Notice how they use the heartbeat when the 'countdown to no more sales' begins?  Psy-ops.  Ramping up the anxiety in the viewers like on the theme tune to 'News at Ten'.

See the notes on channel Dave.  Only it's got more action films like Mad Max, sport and old action-based police dramas, as like Minder (LINK) is in keeping with the ITV franchise.

Dave ja vu:
The Dave channel from one hour ago.

More home shopping.

A Channel 4 channel, which I call Oestrogen 4, on account of it's totally emasculating nature.  Lots of 'dramas' about twenty something wealthy women who sit around huffing and puffing and sighing and emoting all fucking day, like it's the end of the frikking world.  Jeez that stuff's depressing.  And do you notice how they keep playing Nick Drake (LINK) or some emotional drivel over every frikkin scene?

It's targeted at the 14-30 age range of kids.  Poor dumb bastards, never knew what hit 'em.

See above.

The third from the Channel 5 network.

Targeting de wimminz.  Queue 'Sarah Connor Chronicles' (LINK), showing 30 something single mothers how 'they' save the world from all de baddies.  Also queue 'Sex and the City' (LINK), which needs no further explication.  Also queue 'Sex; How to do Everything' (LINK) which shows scenes of interracial sex and commentary by two white women.

The forth and last of the Channel 5 network channels.

The clue's in the name: USA.  Lots of Western films at the Weekend, CSI and NCIS during the week, and general action movies.  Steven Seagal (LINK) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (LINK) are Patron Saints of 5USA.

See ITV.

Pay per view sports for the proles.

QVC Beauty:
Home shopping for ladies wot look luvly!

Create and Craft:
Home shopping.

Price-Drop TV:
Junk for sale.

I think it's part of the well known Discovery network.

Target audience are men who don't want sports or action movies, but do want 'Megastructures' (LINK) etc.  Think of it like this: proles prefer 'mega' in front of their documentaries, MCs prefer 'secret' in front of theirs; it's just marketing that's all.

Rocks & Co 1:
"Give us your gold and we'll give you our rocks!  It's a great deal!  Honest!"

Sky Sports 1:
Pay per view sports.

Sky Sports 2:
More pay per view sports.

Gems TV:
See Rocks & Co.

Game shows, for people who like game shows.  For people who like repeats of game shows like Bullseye (LINK)...

Repeats of Channel 4 programmes from over the last week.  Why do they have this channel?  Answers on a postcard please.

Food Network:
Where you can watch fat women (LINK) making fat chocolate cakes!

CBBC Channel:
Brainwashing for the children.

brainwashing for the toddlers.

Brainwashing for the prole children.

Brainwashing for the adults.

Oh and notice how they post the notice 'Britain’s most watched News Channel' at the beginning of every hour?  See how proud they are of it?  Well it's not a great achievement seeing as how there are only 3 other news channels (Sky, RT and Al Jazeera) and only one of which is well known in the UK.

BBC Parliament:
Watching your MPs at work when they can be bothered to turn up (notice how empty the place is most of the time?)

Sky News:
More establishment propaganda from the 'other half' of the BBC-Sky marriage.  Sky news and BBC news run the same stories at the same time, often in the same order, interviewing the same people, and shot on-location at the same spot, often within 10 metres of one another (watch out when there's a story on flooding and you'll see the reporters standing in front of the same flooded street).

Russia Today:
Entertaining Russian propaganda (pro-Russia, and Anti-West/NATO), without the politically-correct cultural agenda.  It also has news from the UK that the establishment media don’t want you to hear (like protests, criminal injustice and maltreatment of citizens, ya know, the usual topics that the Beeb can’t be bothered to report on because they’ve flown off to Chile to look at some miners in a hole (LINK).

BBC PC propaganda about the rights and lives of ethnic minorities, immigrants, blacks, disabled folk etc, but oddly not white ethnic minorities..

Al Jazeera Eng:
Middle-Eastern news is surprisingly as PC as the BBC (they have lots of women presenters and report on wrongs done against women.  So much for the middle-Eastern Patriarchy..)

Television X:
'Red Light District TV'.  Pay as you wank porn.

Smile TV 2:
'Red Light District TV'.  Freeview phone sex.  Fake boobs galore!

Smile TV 3:
'Red Light District TV'.  More Freeview phone sex, and more boobs!

Same as above.

'Red Light District TV'.  Again, Freeview phone sex.  Again, boobs galore!

'Red Light District TV' yet again.

Babestation 2:
And even more 'Red Light District TV'.

That's your lot.  Seeing as I'm tired, and can't muster the strength to type any more, to conclude this blog posting here's a quote from David Frost on television who puts it aptly when he says:

[Television is] an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.  (LINK)


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